Dealing with difficult people
No one starts out as a “difficult person” from birth, rather it is a by-product of their conditioning in work, home and social environments. That doesn’t mean we must always back down and allow negativity to thrive unchallenged in the workplace, but we should all learn the skills that can douse the flames of conflict and turn anger and animosity into passion and productivity.
I’ve spent a lot of the last 10 years consciously trying to develop my leadership skills. I’ll admit that I’ve been a difficult person in the past (and perhaps I still am in ways I don’t realise yet), but I feel I’ve learnt a lot through listening and it is probably one of the most basic, but important skills I have. It’s also probably the most underrated personal attribute in the talent market. I owe a lot to coaches and mentors over the years (you’ll find a few listed at the end), so I do try to promote their published work and services where I think they can help others.
The problem with listening is that paradoxically, as we add more ways to communicate, we seem to have become worse at it. As a result, society has become more susceptible to fictional “news” reporting, fakes, scams and trolls, as well as being more likely to approve of or even promote conflict. Many of us will need to re-train ourselves in an art that is one of the easiest to start, but difficult to master; Listening.
When can you say you truly took time to comprehend another person’s point of view before reacting?
Do you look at your phone or laptop when someone is talking to you directly or as a group?
When did you last make the decision that your idea was better or more important than another person before they had even finished speaking?
How often do you form your opinions on a single source or version of events?
Did you feel differently when you were the victim in one of these scenarios?
Thankfully many coaching and mentoring programmes have developed techniques that are easy to remember and can apply to almost any situation.
Active listening needs patience, curiosity and mindfulness. Maybe knowing that alone is enough for you, but many people need to understand the manifestation of these characteristics in a process. There is nothing wrong with guidance, it’s what we all need when we learn something new, like riding a bike or playing the piano. The good news is that these techniques can be mastered and, although there are 4 steps, these can be completed during a conversation in anything from a few seconds to several minutes depending on the subject complexity.
Calm and quiet — just listen, nothing else. Stop, give the speaker the time and attention to explain their thoughts and ideas. The speaker’s and listener’s time are both valuable and should be treated with respect and without digital or physical distractions. Speakers should also learn brevity to respect the needs of the listener. Patience is important, especially if the speaker has the potential to feel insecure about their position or the subject matter and verbosity can be more prevalent.
Confirm what you’ve just heard to ensure you really understood the key points being made. This is often the stage where an argument or conversation abandonment takes place as our “fight or flight” instinct kicks in. However, at this stage all you’re doing is repeating back a summary to help you and the speaker agree that their points were understood correctly.
Clarify any points that were unclear, over-complicated or specialist in nature. Asking to explain in another way, expand with more detail or using analogies are great neutral ways to get that final confirmation that you are agreeing on the meaning and intent of what has been spoken. Judgement is only really possible after you’ve sought and gained confirmation and clarity of the content.
Challenge with respect. This is an optional phase of the process and should be used with great care. Many logical arguments are devalued by negative emotion and subjectivity. The best challenges are delivered with empathy, both for the situation and the speaker. It’s important to help the speaker understand why you’re challenging, that it isn’t out of self-interest or vendetta, but instead for the achievement of a good outcome. If you’ve carried out the first three steps with care and mindfulness, it is likely that the previous speaker will reciprocate when you respond with your challenge.
Interestingly, these techniques don’t only apply to conversations between people. The same principles can be adapted to a wide variety of situations, such as product and solution design. How many products have failed in the market because they were a solution that didn’t have a corresponding problem? What about if you could create products that people agree are needed, rather than just simply being interesting technology that dies when the hype runs dry.
Listening to the market or your customers, then confirming and clarifying their needs without judgement frees your mind to be truly innovative when you challenge your teams and technology to solve their problems. You don’t end up using the classic “I’ve always known what people want” or “our business/technology/industry doesn’t work like that” lines when you free yourself from prejudgement or reactive behaviours and listen.
I would love to know if you have any examples of these principles being deployed in other scenarios. I’m always learning and keen to hear from anyone that can help us all become better leaders and listeners. You can reach me on LinkedIn and Twitter.
As promised, here are a list of people, programmes and books that have influenced my views on the issues raised above:
Trans2 Performance / Martin Johnson
Chimp Paradox (printed book) / Prof Steve Peters
